A good time restraint for a movie is about two and a half hours. Even then, some people will complain it’s too long. But an Earthbound movie would need to give itself a little more than 18 minutes between Your Sanctuary battles to stay within the 2:30 mark. Even then, that leaves little room for the Giygas battle. So in order to fit everything in, the eight boss battles would have to be cut down to four. Side plots would be forgotten and the bosses that remain wouldn’t all be original Your Sanctuary bosses.
The movie would start out with an opening credits scene. It seems unnecessary with all that has to be packed in, but too many movies are skipping over that nowadays. Hollywood’s going too fast paced and decided audiences can’t handle credits anymore. The credits scene would be a typical credits sequence, maybe you could have the meteorite impact and police investigation going on in the background. Then after that ends, Pokey comes a-knocking. Ness fends a few crows and dogs off on the way there, they get Picky and buzz-buzz comes into the picture. Buzzy explains it all, beats up the Starman Jr. then gets the smack of death. He gives Ness the sound stone then it’s all up to Ness.
So there’s a solid introduction that stays fairly close to the game. Just for kicks, Picky would give the fatal 1 HP blow to Starman Jr. So to keep the movie going at a good pace, Buzz Buzz tells Ness to go straight to Giant Step. Ness bashes the door in with his bat and fights a few enemies on the way to the first of four Your Sanctuary bosses, Titanic Ant. The battle should stay close to the game and that would take you about a fifth through the movie.
While many of the side plots would be eliminated from this film version, I thought it would be cool to include Everdred. He would be there for a cool fight scene and to guide the plot along. And combine the styles of Everdred and Frank, just for a cooler fight. After an intense, bat vs. knife/teeth fight, Everdred finally gives up and gives Ness the Franklin Badge, which he stole from Paula’s room one day. He tells Ness that his best bet is to go to Happy Happy Valley to find Paula. So Ness has nothing else to go by and heads there. Sure enough, Everdred’s right and the second of four Your Sanctuary fights occurs against Carpainter. He gets beaten and lets Paula, who’s being held in another room, go.
After he goes back to being a good guy, Carpainter does the Monotoli thing and tells the two that the statue told him that Paula must never go to Saturn Valley, which neither of them have heard of. Ness and Paula, worn out from the quest so far, stop at the Happy Happy Valley inn. Before heading to sleep, Paula lets out a prayer, which reaches Jeff in Winters. He wakes up in the middle of the night, sneaks out carrying only a yo-yo and a slingshot. He takes the Bubble Monkey, rides Tessie and fights bad guys off as he makes his way to his Dad’s lab. There, his dad gives him a laser gun and the Skyrunner. Jeff lands safely in Happy Happy Valley and they find their way to Saturn Valley, which would take the movie to the one hour mark.
There, the movie would slow down a little as a little time is spent on those crazy Mr. Saturns. But as Ness and the gang learn what they’re there to do, they crash-land the Skyrunner in the middle of Master Barf’s base. They fight fobbies off, but they weren’t ready for the other, stronger enemies, who take them to Barf. Barf throws them in the good guy capture cell that all evil bases have and Paula prays after they confirm there’s no way out. While Barf and his lieutenants are figuring out who these guys are devising a plot against them, Poo sneaks into the base like a ninja and takes out the guard with the keys. Then the four of them take out Barf, who will be the third Your Sanctuary boss.
So it’s back to Saturn Valley, where Dr. Saturn tells Ness about a group of folks like the Saturn, the Tenda, as he’s patching Ness up. He tells them that they can only be found in one place and Poo finishes the sentence, in the Lost Underworld. So they have someone that conveniently knows the area. Lots of convenient stuff going on in the movie version. Poo teleports them there and using psychic powers and explosions, they fight their way to the Tenda settlement in the Underworld. They’re told to go into a nearby cave, where the four fight the final Your Sanctuary boss, Carbon Dog, who turns into Diamond Dog halfway through the fight.
After finishing the last boss off, which brings the film to about 2 hours, the sound stone does its thing and Ness enters Magicant. It’ll be a little weirder than the game was. He sees his life flash before his eyes, a few of the people he meets in the game version of Magicant appear and explain that he’s entered his own mind. Not much longer after, he finds himself in front of Ness’s Nightmare. There’s another fight scene as well as the important hulking out scene that takes place after he beats Ness’s Nightmare. He knows they have to go back to Saturn valley, where they get the explanation about going to the past. There’s a dramatic “getting ready for the big fight” scene and they’re turned into robots.
So the film finishes off like the game. They fight a few bad guys on the way to Giygas. The final fight is the same as it would be in the game, even with Pokey in his robot. They beat Giygas, Jeff and Poo go their separate ways and Ness and Paula go back to Onett. The credits roll as pictures taken by the “fuzzy pickles” photographer, who shows up in the background throughout the movie, are shown. The end credits finish around the ideal 2 hours, 30 minutes.
So the story might have been butchered, but it’s necessary. Adaptations don’t always have to follow every part of the original content, especially when tackling something as big as a video game. Some of the other video game movies worked because they had less of a linear game to work with. All Mortal Kombat needs is some good fight scenes and the showdown with Shang Tsung. Tomb Raider just needs a few tombs, a nice looking actress and some raiding action. But RPGs aren’t just a bunch of action. That’s part of the appeal. However, the heavier focus on story is another reason other types of games get easier movie shots. Although writing up all those dream cast lists for an Earthbound movie is fun, it would need to be a miniseries or even a full blown TV show to keep all the little side plots we love about the game.
“Recap” of how things would go:
Opening Credits - Meteorite Crashes, Police Arrive, scene ends 4:00 into the film
Pokey Comes knocking-Starman Jr. defeated, 14:00 into the film
Starman Jr.-Giant Step, 30:00
Giant Step-Everdred, 38:00
Everdred-Carpainter, 50:00
Carpainter-Jeff Arrives, 1:05:00
Jeff-Barf, 1:30:00
Barf-Poo joins, 1:41:00
Poo explains-journey to underworld, 1:48:00
Carbon dog/Diamond dog fight, 1:55:00
Magicant, 2:05:00
Back to Saturn Valley, explanation, 2:13:00
Short walk to Giygas, final battle, 2:30:00