The audition was today. Everyone knew it. Especially Ness, who felt that his life had been leading up to this. He wasn't born with a mysterious scar on his forehead or a ring destined to be possessed and destroyed by him, but he felt his life had been leading up to this. Details had not been given, but Ness had known for months that auditions were being held for the next world hero. It may have sounded corny, but all Ness longed for was to be up there with Mario, Luke Skywalker and Frogger.
He ate breakfast fast. He was leaving for the auditions today. For some reason, the auditions for the new Eagleland-based heroes were being held a few hours outside Eagleland. Since he knew he was going to be doing plenty of walking as a hero, Ness wanted to walk to the audition. It was a few days away, so he had plenty of time left. He hastily wiped his face, got up and kissed his Mom goodbye. "Bye Mom, I'll call you when I get there!"
"Bye honey, have fun", she replied as he ran out the door. As soon as he entered the forest leading to Twoson, a tall man, hair slicked back, worn out folex, worn out business suit, but full of success saw him coming. He got his nearly empty salesman briefcase and approached the new client.
"Hi, I'm Ted. what's your name, young man?"
"Ness."
"How are you, Ness? Ahhh, don't answer. I can tell you're doing great because you can see the future of the gods right in front of you." He laughed briefly and opened the suitcase. "No, not me. I mean, right in front of you time-wise. Say, you wouldn't be heading off to that hero audition, would you?
"I sure am! I'm going to be such a good hero that old man Link is going to wet his tights."
"Really? Well, you can't do that without the proper equipment!" Ted smelled the sale.
"What kind of equipment? I guess I have a day or two to work out some more."
"No, you're looking fine. What I'm talking about is right in here." Ted opened the suitcase and Ness looked in with awe.
"What is that?"
"Why, this is only the latest in pokemon technology. Didn't you see the fine print, my boy?"
"No, what are you talking about?", Ness said, obviously worried.
"Why, look for yourself." Ted handed Ness the brochure Ness had been staring at for what seemed like an eternity. He pointed at a highlighted set of words at the bottom
"'Note: Pokemon Necessary.' So does that mean I'm out?"
"Of course not. Ted does not deal with losers. I'm talking to you so I can give you the opportunity to live out those dreams? You see this pokemon set? This can be all yours for only $200!"
"Well, since it's my only chance, I'll do it. But I want you to explain everything."
"Well, it's all fairly simple. These are pokeballs. You catch pokemon by throwing these at the things. Then you use them by pressing this white button. Then you basically just have them fight."
"That sounds simple enough. But what is a pokemon?"
"Too late, you took the blue pill. You'll get the hang of it soon enough", Ted responded as he ran off to Onett.
"Well, I have to make them fight", Ness said to himself as he walked down the streets of Twoson. "And he never limited me to what I could use, so..." Ness was so preoccupied with the pokemon thing that he missed the bus that was driving straight towards him. He didn't notice until the bus came to the screaming halt and stopped at the nick of time. He apologized, went to the sidewalk then had a great idea. Ness waited until the bus started up again then started chasing after it. He waited until the bus started going at 50 MPH then he threw the pokeball. The whole vehicle disappeared into the ball. "Awesome" was the only reaction he could blurt out.
Ness continued his trek to the Auditions, which would go through Happy Happy Village. He had caught a few of the things he had encountered on the way. As he entered the village, the first thing he heard was screaming and chaos. Before he could make sense out of anything, he was surrounded by paintbrush-wielding guards. They were all dressed in blue. Then a tall man came through the circle of guards. He too had a paintbrush. "Halt!", he said, unsheathing his paintbrush. "What is your business here?"
"Oh, nothing big. I'm just passing through to..."
"To get to the hero auditions?"
"Yeah, that's the ticket."
"Well, my name is Carpainter and I shall do my best to stop you, Mr..."
"Ness. Listen, I can take a different route if you don't want me in here."
"That is both not necessary and not possible without death. For I too wish to become one of the next heroes."
"How pleasant. Maybe we can work together?", Ness said uneasily.
"That is not possible at this point, son." Carpainter paused and took a glove out of his pocket. Ness's confusion over the glove was met with a loud smack. Carpainter raised his hand to silence the guards who were commenting on how "owned" Ness was at that point. "Sir, you have insulted my honor and tried to shatter my dreams. I challenge you to a duel."
"Hey, Gary Cooper was a great man. Why not leave that stuff to him and keep the duel untarnished?"
"Pitiful mortal. The duel I refer to results not in death, but only in shame and failure. However, if you decline, it does result in death. The duel I speak of requires skill not with the pistol nor with the sword, for it requires skill with Pokemon. If you are the victor, you shall pass. If you are not victorious, we shall give you the most intense wedgie of your life and send you back to where you have come from."
Ness looked around then answered. "Well, I guess I don't have a choice. So, let's get it on?"
"With pleasure, sir. With pleasure", Carpainter remarked as he took a pokeball out. He threw it and a bloated animal slightly resembling a duck appeared.
"Well, here it goes. Weird bear thing I just caught, go!", Ness shouted as he flung his ball. The ball hit Carpainter in the nose, who fell instantly, bleeding profusely. Within seconds, the bear Ness had caught had eaten Carpainter's pokemon whole and began mauling everything in sight. Ness snuck out of Happy Happy Village and continued his trek without the bear.
Ness walked on for hours. He walked through forest, then mountains then the desert. All without eye contact with any living thing. After blistering hours through the desert, Ness saw water. He saw green grass. He saw Fourside. He crossed the bridge and tried to decide what he would do first after hours without civilization. Before long, a big muscular guy pushed him into a nearby bench and told Ness he wouldn't be able to pass without a pokemon battle.
"Listen, pal", Ness said, irritated and worn out. "I just walked for hours through basically anything you could think of. My feet are probably falling apart. I need a hotel room, not a pokemon fight."
The man pulled out a pistol and shoved it in Ness's face. "Hey, just go by the rules and do the thing. It's not that hard."
Ness slowly pushed the pistol away. "Ok, since you're so desperate, I'll do it. But just a simple one-on-one match. Nothing else."
"Got it. You go first."
Ness took a pokeball out and unenthusiastically dropped it. He jumped back as the unexpected sight of the bus roaring out, taking his opponent with him, unraveled right in front of him. He didn't do after it. Ness just headed to the nearest hotel and took a room. "It'll be quite a hefty price for someone your age." He didn't care. He just threw the money on the counter and didn't need to say more. It was all his. He wasn't going to let anything get in his way while getting there. But someone did. He had a business suit and Ness was always partial to those who dressed right.
"Hey, you look worn out, kid."
"Yeah, I am", Ness replied as he tried to push the man away.
"Hey, don't go. I see you got scammed by Ted."
After going through hours of unbearable conditions, this was one thing Ness did not want to hear. Scammed. Real heroes don't get scammed. Fools get scammed. He couldn't let a simple "What?" slip out.
"Yeah, I was suckered in too. Oh well, I guess I was too old to be a hero. And you simply got thrown off course. But I have an opportunity just as great for you. Come right in here."
The man took Ness into the room. There, he met Don King and instantly was brought in to the King boxing family. He was great. He had a year-long winning streak. But then the move came. Don tried to bring him to the big leagues. Ness couldn't handle it and disappeared shortly after a few losses. He was sleeping with the fishes after less than two years of boxing.
It was a new week. A new month. A new season. And a high time for crime. Twoson was flowing with hidden crime. It seemed like a peaceful place, perfect for raising a family, but it was one of the worst places you could end up in. The only family you could raise in Twoson was the kind Al Capone raised. And Paula Polestar was out to change that.
She sat there reading the newspaper as he walked in. Her hair was blonde, limp, yet amazingly beautiful. His hair was brown and slicked back. He was twenty years older than her. But that didn't matter to either of them. Paula had gained an underground reputation and was willing to take almost anything. She put the newspaper down and looked him straight in the eyes. She was all business and didn't need to say it. "You've seen this?", he said as he threw a familiar sheet of paper on her desk.
"Yeah, it's the hero audition flyer. What about it?"
"My cousin tried out for it. He got there a few days ago and hasn't said anything since then. He said there was something wrong. Suspected some foul play. Look into it for me and you're looking into quite a bit of dough here."
"You got it", Paula said as she got up and put her coat on. She checked for everything. It was there. The same frying pan she had been using since her first case.
"Ok, you want me to tag along?"
"I go solo, babe. It's been like that from the start. It'll always be like that. Leave your card on the desk and remember to shut the door." She walked out barely making eye contact with the man. Paula walked to the bus station and took the easy route. Cab. She had the money to do it.
She arrived at Summers, where no one would have recognized that pretty face of hers. She had to make sure no one did either. There were a few days until the auditions, which could have lasted weeks, stared. And she was lucky enough to get a hotel room.
Just about everyone there was there for the same reason and could have been there for a while, so most were trying to get to know other potential heroes. Paula noticed nothing unusual the first day. But after a day of faked conversations and tight observations, she noticed someone that stuck out. He was tall, black hair, thin, sleek glasses and seemed to have some caffeinated beverage in his hands at all times. She broke off the current conversation and walked to him. "Hi, I'm Paula."
"Rick." It was brief and cold. He took a sip of his coffee.
"So, are you here for the same reason as everyone else?"
"Yes." There was a long pause. Rick glanced at his watch and told Paula he had to go back to his room. She went to hers and was convinced nothing would happen during the day. She slept to the night then stood guard with her frying pan in hand. There was nothing off the bat, but after a while, she heard someone going down the hall. Naturally, she followed at a safe distance. With her amazingly sharp eyesight, she saw a shadow fumbling with some keys then finding the right one. He unlocked the door and went in. Paula followed quickly, ready to use the pan. She was met with a chop to the neck as she went in.
It was morning. Paula had wasted the night away in unconsciousness. She had awoken tied to a chair. She wasn't able to move. Her surroundings were highly unfamiliar, mainly because she had only seen the room in the dark. But one part was familiar. She looked behind her and saw him. "Rick", she whispered. He had met the same fate.
Rick woke slowly with Paula whispering his name. He let out a "huh?"
"What happened, Rick?"
"Why don't you tell me? Where are you?"
"Behind you."
Rick slowly forced his chair to turn. They were tied separately and poorly. "I can get this undone. Just promise to get me too." Rick bit the end of the rope and pulled on it. Paula was able to get him out just as easily. "Well", Rick said as he twisted the knob to the door going out. "It's locked. I don't know about that one. We could try."
Paula opened the door and saw her frying pan in the room. Along with the frying pan were dozens of other people tied up. "We can get these later." She said as she took her precious pan back. "They would be too much of a distraction." She looked around a crowded room and saw a notebook. Other than furniture and people, it was the only thing in the room. She picked it up and looked through it. It was full of names and rooms. Some crossed out. Hers was crossed out. She had only been here for two days and had made it on this list. Someone working for the hotel was in on it. "Hey Rick, look at this."
Rick took the notebook and slowly flipped through the pages. Halfway through, he fell like a sack of bricks. Paula has struck him with full force. "Yeah, this is my frying pan all right. Sorry Rick, I only work solo. I didn't see your name on the list either."
Paula waited and hoped to ambush whoever was behind this scheme. The first man to walk through the door was knocked out by a shot with the frying pan. He was a cop. They cuffed her and charged her instead of the real criminal. It was the hotel owner. Rick was merely an employee who got in the way.
He walked down the hall slowly, confidently and without much attention on his surroundings. He was the hall monitor. 40 years old, lifeless and with the boarding school for life. He was proud of his position and that's all that mattered to him. It was 10:00 and the lights were out in all rooms. But Jeff and Tony were still actively working in their rooms. They packed lightly and packed only what they needed. They worked using night vision goggles designed by Jeff. Then the plan was carried out.
Jeff snuck out of the room first. The guard was walking away from them and Jeff seized the moment. He took the dart gun out, aimed hastily, but confidently and fired three times. All three missed, but one hit the wall and ended up right in front of the guard. Jeff knew he had screwed up and walked towards the guard. Point blank, he couldn't have missed. But the dart gun did. The thing must have jammed. Either way, the darts didn't go off. It seemed like it couldn't have failed, even to the guard, who was standing there frozen with fear. Now, Jeff had to take a noisier route. He took the dart gun and smacked the guard across the face with it. The guard didn't have enough time to react when Jeff took another swing. He didn't react, nor did he need to. Jeff was left with nothing but a handle. The gun had barely made contact with the guard's face when it fell apart. Jeff went to plan C. He took the decoder for the school's security panel and shoved it in the guard's face. He turned it on and the guard was down after a failed decoding by the machine, but marginally successful escape by Jeff and Tony.
The two went to the main door without having to pass any additional obstacles. Jeff decoded the security system and was out. That was that and he left the decoder for the guard. Tony ran to the gate with a burst of stored speed. He was down on his hands and knees and was in position for the second half of the escape. Jeff followed, jumped off Tony's back and hopped into the sky runner, which was waiting not too deep into the forest. Jeff started the thing up and unraveled a rope ladder as he headed back to the school. He went above the ladder then dropped the whole thing as Tony waited closer to the side of the school. He grabbed the ladder with ease and Jeff helped him into the sky runner. He didn't stay long. Jeff slowed down and went lower as they went over Stonehenge to let Tony out. He continued at the normal pace after that and waited for the signal. "Hello, Jeff?" It came from the intercom. Tony was in the Andonuts lab.
"I read you loud and clear. Where do I go now?"
"I want you to stop right on the outskirts of Scaraba. There, you'll spend a night, stock up and the following morning, you go south. Before you know it, you're in the deep darkness. Leave the sky runner at the tenda cave. Don't go in. You'll see a sign that'll tell you if you're there. From the tenda cave, just follow the wall of the mountain and go seven caves down. It's not as long as it sounds. The rest is fuzzy, but you should be able to make it out alive. It'll be hard, but worth it. Once you have the idol of the Smith, you'll be guaranteed a position as hero."
"The idol of the Smith? What kind of an ancient Deep Darkness tribe name is Smith?"
"Hey, out of all Smiths in the world, ONE had to be an ancient leader.
"Good point", Jeff remarked as he looked out the sky runner window. The sun was rising and he could see he was over water. "Hey, where did you get all of this anyway?"
"I milked it out of a Weekly World News reporter. You'd be surprised how much of their stuff is real. Of course, the occasional fake batboy thing is thrown in to throw people off. Or maybe it's to make them believe. I'm not sure on that one. It's a moot point now. I paid him off and that story won't be making it in the paper now."
Jeff landed the sky runner in a hidden spot about fifteen minutes from Scaraba. He kept everything in there except his money. He checked into the hotel and began thinking of where he could get the supplies he needed. Conveniently, a guy walked up to him as he was walking to his bed claiming he had the supplies Jeff needed. Jeff was able to sleep easily, clutching one of his dozens of multi-bottle rockets. The same type of weapon which woke him at 7 the following morning. Jeff got the bed next to the window and was paying greatly for it. The hotel was under attack. The wall was half gone when Jeff had all his stuff and was out of bed. He had his laser gun and snuck out the front door.
"He's leaving!" one of them shouted from a jeep. Jeff fired at the jeep and got lucky. The laser took out the tire and he had enough of a head start that they let the others go after him. He ran after taking out the jeep and when he looked back, he saw two others chasing after him. They fired another multi-bottle rocket and hit the wall of scaraba. It was just barely wide enough for Jeff and saved him some time. He fired as he jumped through the opening, but only hit one of the eight men chasing after him. It was good enough. He was only a few minutes away from the sky runner. The men fired another bottle rocket as they got past the gate. They hit a tree to Jeff's left and he went for the front tires. The laser just barely hit it, but that was enough to make the jeep swerve into the wall. Now, it was just one jeep vs. one genius. Jeff had the sky runner in sight. One of the men in the jeep fired a bottle rocket and missed Jeff. It was a tree just five feet away from the machine that saved the sky runner. Jeff took out a multi-bottle rocket, lit it and let it go blindly behind him. He stopped as he heard an explosion louder than the typical one and saw the flaming, lifeless jeep.
Jeff collapsed into the sky runner and turned it on. After liftoff, he went to the intercom. "Hello, Tony?"
"Ahh, Jeff Andonuts", a mysterious voice said back. "I see you have evaded my..." Jeff didn't know who it was and didn't care. He turned the intercom off, turned the GPS system off and turned basically everything but the engine itself off. He wasn't going to let some freak track him down again. Jeff got to Deep Darkness within hours and spent some time hovering over various cave entrances until he saw a green tenda head poking out. He knew he was there and landed.
Walking past the first few caves was easy. It was like walking down the street. But after the fourth cave, things started to narrow down. Jeff was right against the side of the mountain as he went to the sixth cave from the tenda cave. Halfway to the seventh cave, there wasn't enough room left to walk. It was so close. It was too late to go back, so Jeff went for it. He jumped and was able to grab onto some rocks right below the ledge. It took him a while, but after a few minutes of struggling, he was in front of the cave.
Jeff sat on the ground for a few minutes to catch his breath. He took his flashlight out and had his laser in the other hand. As he stepped into the cave, an arrow came whizzing by. It hit the laser gun and knocked it out of Jeff's hand. He looked at his foot and saw that he had stepped on some sort of panel. He knew he had to be careful now. He took out a few multi-bottle rockets and fired one at the wall where the arrow came from. Then he started firing at other spots in the wall until it had been peeled away. The floor and ceiling were gone as well Then he confidentially walked into the cave. Why be careful when recklessness is easier?
There it was. The golden idol of Smith. It was placed there conveniently on a stone pillar that went up to his waist. The sun shone directly on it. It was too convenient. Jeff took his bag off, took a bottle rocket and shoved it in his pocket. He held the bag with one hand over the idol. He stared at both for a minute or two then quickly snatched the idol and dropped the bag instantly. He looked around. He didn't set anything off. He started to walk away then he heard a rumbling. He went with his gut instinct and ran as fast as he could. He ended up being flattened. He had run the wrong way and right into a giant spherical boulder.
"All in the Family. American television is incredible."
"Yes it is, Prince Poo. But this man is incredible as well." Poo's secretary pointed to Luigi, who was dressed in his usual green outfit.
"Ahh, he has arrived early. Come, we'll take a walk." Poo turned his TV off and went outside with Luigi. They walked along the edge of Dalaam, discussing Dalaam-Mushroom Kingdom relations and other related topics.
After a few hours of walking, no one else was in sight. Luigi took this opportunity to take Poo's wallet and push him off Dalaam. As poo fell, he tried to gather his energy to soften the landing. He landed on Summers beach. His mu paid off this time. He was on the sand for a while, but eventually got up to get a taxi. He ordered the driver to go to Fourside.
At Fourside, he went straight to the Monotoli building. He had no ID, but was able to get to Monotoli's office. It must have been the sword that got him in. "Monotoli, I must talk with you."
The man was fairly surprised. "Take a seat. What do you need?"
"Luigi has betrayed me, murdered my wife and kid and now the only means of revenge is in a circle of death. More specifically, with Super Mash Brothers: Melee League."
"You could barely pass for 14. How do you have a wife and kid?"
"Oh, did I say he murdered my wife and kid? I meant he took my wallet and ordered a bunch of movies on Pay-Per-View under my name. Two out of three ain't bad."
"Well, that makes sense", Monotoli said as he put Poo down in his roster book. "But the first fights are tomorrow, so you better get ready now."
Poo was woken up and taken into a bus. He was confused, tired and slept until they got there. He woke up when they told him he was in match number four. Then he remembered where he was. He woke himself up and started getting ready. Before he knew it, they were pushing him out. He found himself in some sort of ancient temple. On the other side of the thing was a man he had never seen before, but audiences were very familiar with. It was Link.
The bell rung and Poo ran dove at his opponent. Link blocked Poo's sword swipe. He went for Poo, but Poo blocked as easily as he was blocked. He kicked Link in the gut and went for him again. Link threw his boomerang and knocked Poo to the wall. Poo saw a barrel and knocked it over. He rolled it slowly to Link, but couldn't get it fast enough to do anything. The barrel hit one of the temple pillars and burst open. Link picked something up and Poo picked up the only object that was in his reach. He had a huge tomato and Link had a super scope.
Link blasted the super scope only to have it blocked by a giant tomato. Poo threw the tomato at Link as he charged his weapon. Link went to the ground and Poo threw him off the edge.
Then, twenty Kirbys came out. Poo kicked the first one into the wall then sliced two other puffs in half. All while screaming excessively loud for additional mu help. He threw the one resembling pikachu and elbowed the one with the red hat. He unsheathed his sword and three ended up puffpaled on a puffy kabob. He managed to puffcapitate another with what wasn't covered in puff. He grabbed the one with the funny helmet and threw it into another. Both were puffmembered. The baseball bat in front of Poo went from the ground to laying some puffdown in five seconds. He grabbed the super scope and fired at anything that moved. Bam. Three more puffplosions. He puff-whipped the one resembling a monkey to depuffation. He whacked the kirbys off his sword, took link's and puffcapitated the remaining two. Dr. Suess would have been so proud to see his beautiful display of puff-violence.
Fans loved Poo's performance. He did too. He got more physical training than he could have out of five mu sessions. He was ready for the big time. He was taken back to Fourside and met with Monotoli. "Hey kid, that was pretty impressive today."
"I am the master of mu and will fight through piles of buffalo dung to get my revenge. Float like Peach, sting like Toad wants to, I'm the best, I'm the greatest. I'm Prince Poo."
"Right", Monotoli said as he tried to wipe that out of his mind. "Well, you said you wanted Luigi, right?
"All I desire to gain from this experience is the pleasure of watching that man fall due to my actions."
"Ok, you got it. Next week at Onett, you're going one-on-one against Luigi."
Poo went straight to Onett. He spent the rest of the week training for Luigi. Mostly with Mu methods. The rest was spent studying Onett. His hotel room was a mess by the time he left for the match. The hotel workers weren't going near the room with the creepy Mu glow.
Then the day had come. Poo was waiting at the drug store when Luigi arrived. It was high noon. "So, we meet again, Luigi. This time, it is not a meeting of peace and relaxation. We meet in the circle of death. You are here for money, which you have taken from me. I am here for honor, dignity and revenge, two of which you have taken with me. Two out of three. It ain't bad. But soon, I will regain all those in Onett."
Luigi wasn't expecting this. "Mama mia! Did I take your wallet and push you off Dalaam? There was a mosquito near your head and I tried to whack it away. Man, was I off."
"You took the words right out of my mouth, but it is too late for that now."
"But", Luigi couldn't finish the sentence. Then after a moment or two, it came to him. "I love you man. Let's hug on it and forget this ever happened."
"Oh, I would do anything for love, Luigi. But I won't do that. No, not that."
"Dude, what is it with you and Meat Loaf."
"He is very popular in Dalaam. He's already done three comeback concerts there."
"Well, you can't argue with Meat Loaf. Let's get it on." Then Luigi jumped at Poo. He tried to kick Poo in the face, but Poo moved back and out of the way.
Poo ran back to set up his next move. Then he ran too far into Onett, exploded mysteriously and was never seen again.
"Pay up, Buzz." Buzz's wagers hadn't paid off at all. He handed some money to Monotoli.
"Who do we use now?", the bee who wasn't a bee asked.
"We have Luigi as the chosen one. He says he's ready for another starring role."
"That could work out nicely. Go on."
"Then actors David Arquette and Dolph Lundgren."
"Dolph won't fit in the dress. Arquette will be Luigi's female companion this time. Dolph Lundgren will fill in nicely as the shy genius."
"This man claims to be distantly related to Jet Li. The prince character is gone for most of the thing, so I think we can go with him."